Hello Fam!
Today, I am thinking release; I want to share this excerpt with you…..
“Release”
I’ve cried so many tears.
I’ve had to face so many fears.
At times I felt so lost in despair…..I just needed to know you really cared
Once feeling so close to you.
Now feeling I don’t know what to do.
I can’t see past the rain and storms…..Lord, I need you to hold me in your loving arms.
Fighting through the jungle in the dark of night.
looking to heaven for a guiding light.
So many questions, I’m in complete desperation…..I need to know how to work through this with patience
Wanting to leave, wanting to flee.
Not seeing the answer is right in front of me.
I don’t want to beg, but I feel myself plead….I couldn’t see so clearly, until I hit my knees!
Wandering - Moving from place to place without a purpose and/or without a known destination.
Looking back… With tears in my eyes and running down my face. I tried to find one moment in time where I felt that I was truly happy. I couldn’t find any. I just want to be happy! I’d had “happy times”, but I had never truly experienced happiness that lingered long enough to merit its meaning. I couldn’t enjoy those times because all I could think about was what would go wrong and how long the happiness would last before my enemy; satan, would come and drag it from me. Blind.
I seemed to be on this roller coaster of up and downs; mostly downs! I met a new friend on this ride. Its name was Depression.
Depression – A psychiatric disorder showing symptoms such as persistent feelings of hopelessness, dejection, poor concentration, lack of energy, inability to sleep and sometimes suicidal tendencies.
The enemies plan for us is sometimes just as intricate as God’s plan for us. The only difference is, the enemy doesn’t realize that God’s plan is superior to his! Diversion. My weapon of choice! Get it together, stop crying, stop being weak! Shape up or ship out! Never let them know you are hurting. I said these things so much that I began to believe that I was actually helping myself.
The enemy knew that my inadequate responses would only sink me further and further into despair, but God’s lesson are of a precise nature. See, I was a “show-me” person. I didn’t want to hear about what you thought would happen or what you thought was the right way, I wanted you to tell me what you knew and be able to back it up! My erroneous thinking caused me to travel many roads that could have been avoided if I’d only had the faith to believe that God could carry me. If I’d only looked into the word of God, I would have seen that there is nothing that He expects you to do that He hasn’t given you the perfect example for—and the word of God more than backs it all up!
While in the grips of depression the enemy would tell me that I was doing all I could do to be saved and God didn’t even see me. I was praying all I could pray and God didn’t hear me! I was giving myself totally to Him and He was rejecting my efforts because He didn’t love me. I believed every word he whispered to me! His plan was to destroy me by destroying my trust and belief in God! Surrender.
God’s plan was to free me! I wasn’t doing all I knew to be saved. No, I am not praying as much as I should. No, I was not giving God as much of my life as He required. My “yes” was incomplete! This wasn’t my intention, the enemy had me blinded and the “inner me” accepted it. Wholeheartedly! In order to be healed and delivered, you must first admit (to admit to be real or true; recognize the existence, truth, or fact of) that there is a problem and seek out help! You must be able to see the error in your ways and be honest with yourself. God already knows your short comings, but He loves you through them. I knew that I needed help. I was raised strict Apostolic. My understanding of my teaching lead me to believe that admission was just as defeat. Saying that I still had some issues was “giving the devil glory”, so I hid them. I buried them as far as I could and I tried to hide behind “God being my strength” and “ask God for help and He will give it to you! “No need to search any further – it’s in the house”. These things are true! There is no err in the word of God! But the enemy can have your thoughts so twisted that your understanding is misleading. Blindsided. (Proverbs 3:5)
The bible also states, in your getting: get understanding (Proverbs 4:7) So, I asked God for help, and clear understanding! Beyond that, I received Christian Counseling! God led me to a sanctified woman of God that was a certified counselor that helped me to work through my issues and realize the root of my anger, bitterness, restlessness and unhappiness. In order for God to take these things out of you, He must first show them to your face, and then uproot them! Don’t hide behind “clichés” and worry about what people may think of you. You have a destiny to fulfill and you must be whole to fulfill it. There are other souls out there that need YOU—but they need who GOD made you—not the person you’ve created. I certify that everything didn’t always go as planned, even after getting help! In fact, many more things went wrong, but I had found a friend that I could rely on! I finally understood that tests and trials come to make me strong, and that the enemy is just trying to shake our faith to further his plan to destroy us! A songwriter once said, “What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and grief to bear. What a privilege to carry, everything to God in prayer” (public domain). When I find myself in the midst of the “happiness” struggle, I hear this song.
“According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue:” (2 Pet. 1:3)
When I first read this scripture, it didn’t mean to me what it means now. I used to skip past the “life” part and go straight to the “godliness” part. I guess I didn’t think that God cared about my personal life and that the only thing I could seek Him for was spiritual. God wants us to have balance in Him. He understands that we are fleshly beings—he created us this way. The only time God is displeased with our fleshly desires is when they overtake and become more important to you than His will and what He wants for you. God want us to prosper in HIM! He wants us to be free and happy! This scripture has become a rock to me, it is a promise. This promise says to me, “Whatever you need that pertains to life and godliness – I will supply according to my divine power” With this said, why would I even look to anyone else for happiness—God created all emotions! He knows what He does, when He does, what He does for you! I am sure He knows what happiness means! Happy.
~Much Love
Lady
Excerpt taken from “Excerpts from the Heart; Not History, but MYstory” © Copyright 2007 by Lady LaWanda Engleman
All rights reserved. This book is protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America. This book may not be copied or reprinted for commercial gain or profit. Use of quotations or page copying for personal or group study is permitted by permission only! Permission will be granted upon request via www.ladyengleman.com or by sending a written request to Info@ladyengleman.com
Scripture taken from THE AMPLIFIED BIBLE, Old Testament copyright © 1965, 1987 by The Zondervan Corporation. The Amplified New Testament copyright © 1958, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.
Dictionary References taken from the standard Webster’s Dictionary.
This morning in my “Morning Worship & Prayer” session the Lord spoke to me FOCUS! Further, He said “Stay Focused this week; I wanna show you something!” HMMMM! Now, I know that means that something may be coming down the pike that will try to get my focus off, but I can’t let that get me! I have to SEE as God see; even if it’s just this week! LOL!
From the pit of depression; the shame of molestation and rape, the trenches of grief, neglect, rejection and confusion a worshipping warrior was born; THAT'S ME! My purpose is to uplift; encourage and help lead those that have been "in my shoes" and also those that may find themselves "in my shoes" to allow their hearts to speak! Let your heart speak...God will do the rest! I decree it, declare it and I agree!
